pros:
- extreme production
- shorter breaks, higher focus
- local takeout food
- no meetings
- fewer calls (though there are a couple calls – CON)
- knowing i’ll start the week feeling prepared
cons:
- weird sounds coming from the building
- vending machine food after midnight
- I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE LIGHT SWITCHES ARE
- it’s effing sunday. day of rest, anyone?
- perfect way to end 90 hours of work this week
- no cartoons
- knowing i’ll be back here at 7am tomorrow
12:30 am update:
and by “tomorrow” i apparently mean knowing i’ll go home for a change of clothes around 6am and head back around 7 in order to miss traffic and get to starbucks before the morning rush for ungodly amounts of caffeine plus backup reserves.
i am way too old and too broken to pull all nighters any more. sad but true. maybe not. we’ll see. ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT…FML.
got the blood test results back. i’ve been anemic, apparently, which accounts for the heart palpitations, the chronic fatigue, and even the passing out incident… bringing the steak and iron supplements back into the diet, starting today. i’m so sick of cooking. but maybe steak will make it better. i’m going to pretend i’m a vampire or something. something carnivorous. an allosaurus.
i am NOT saying hypnotherapy does not work. it just hasn’t worked yet. i’m giving it three strikes before it’s out, and so far i felt better immediately following the session but by that evening it was as bad as ever.
what was most interesting was that i have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. which makes sense when you look at the last twelve months: among other things being surgery, moving, getting laid off, starting a new job. and my job has been extremely stressful, and in my spare time i’m putting together a conference and writing a book.
i sound like a blithering idiot when i think my life is hard. i do. i have an income, i have a home and i travel, i have friends who love me and a family who wants me to come home for dinner.
but in the last month, sometimes i can’t breathe and the sky is falling. though i would not describe myself an unhappy, i am anxious. it’s different.
anyway, i’m in LA this weekend and then going to try the hypno again the 19th… more to come on this…
the first session was really interesting, basically hypno-lady walked me through the history of the practice, i told her my life story, we talked about it for some time, and then she turned on some soft hippie music and i leaned back in my chair. then she led me through visualization exercises and we went back to traumatic events, walking through them in the visualization and trying to reassign less intense emotions to what was traumatic. theoretically, doing this over time while in a state of deep relaxation will lessen the impact of the traumatic event.
i just know i’m hard to hypnotize.
the whole time i was thinking of fight club.
the last month or so has been an absolute mess.
i somehow feel great and in pieces at the same time…
like everything’s fine except the voices in my head.
trying hypnotherapy on saturday to deal with anxiety.
will report this weekend.
sometimes when a task seems so huge, i can’t break it into parts and chip away at it and it just coasts along on the do-to list around my neck. this blog has been that for nearly three months, back-burnered against work, projects, moving, family, movies, sleeping, uploading photos… and i really miss it. just as homer simpson says of television, “teacher, mother… secret lover!” this blog is not where i tell secrets, but where i do tell the things that i would not call someone at the end of the day to explain. this is my decompression space, my pillow talk. i write posts in my head all day, picturing how they would go, what photos i would include. and lately i’ve just felt like a balloon in the sky, hoping the breeze shoots me towards something soft.
it’s been rough lately. i’m ten months out from surgery, and somehow totally haven’t been considering that recovery is in stages – things are still changing. i’ve hit a wall in the weight loss, which the doctors in san francisco assure me is normal. that doesn’t mean anything and i can still look forward to it picking up again… but the last couple weeks in particular i’ve had trouble sleeping, had mood swings, had a general cloud over my head.
and then to cap it all off, last thursday i passed out on the train ride to work. one of those rare times where you see it coming… i clutched the bar, thought to myself KEEP IT TOGETHER. KEEP IT TOGETHER. but instead i heard that whooshing sound and it felt like blinking but when i opened my eyes people were staring and had their hands on my face. a lovely young woman gave me her seat, and everyone cleared a path for me as i got off on the next stop. i was so phased by the whole thing that what did i do? got in a cab and went to work. was nervous about missing a 9am meeting. felt lightheaded but functional for the rest of the day. took off around 6pm, got home and laid down. got back up an hour later, had a little freak out, shook it off and went back to work until 2am.
such is life right now.
i saw my primary care physician friday – thankfully i had already planed a day off – and she checked my heart and we drew NINE vials of blood to test all my vitamin and hormone levels… so i’ll have an idea of what’s wrong in two weeks. right now the reigning theory is anxiety + needing electrolytes. bring on the gatorade.
on the plus side, i’m very confident that this is a phase, and i can only say that because i’m reminded by the other phases i’ve been through in the past year. i don’t spend much time thinking about it because i don’t even realize how distressing it can be to think about back to when i was eating half a popsicle at a time in california… nothing but lunch meat and cheese in the months after… and then i was eating pan-cooked chicken or steak every night, and then started adding vegetables back in… and now i’m no longer lactose-intolerant and can eat just about anything as long as i’m watching my carb intake.
and it’s still working… i’m down from an original BMI of just under 50 to a BMI of 31.9… in other words, my fat mass is down to 35%, and my target is 21-33%… so i’m only two percent body fat away from being in my target range.
can you believe that? of course i don’t want to just get to the top edge, i still want to lose about forty pounds and get my BMI down to 24/25, but that is definitely encouraging. here are some before and after pictures…
so. been rough lately, but things are still going strong and turning around. learning a lot about who i am when i’m feeling good and bad and flipped out, and who i am when i’m face down on public transportation.
turns out all those people have something in common. and we’re doing all right.
we kicked off papa’s birthday with meeting lou & erin’s baby…
little chunky monkey with a huge smile and bright blue eyes – my sisters and i were immediately charmed
i brought papa a cluster of balloons and we set up camp in the front yard. it was a short, very fast-paced afternoon with pizza and cake, bubbles and puppies, beanbags and babies. sounds like the makings of a disney movie.
jeff & effie, maddie & baby jeffy frolicking
maddie and taffy apple… maddie’s one of the most naturally beautiful kids i’ve ever seen. she’s just precious.
OH MY…….. THERE IS THAT BABY AGAIN!!!
maddie going to town on a piece of cake as big as her head
(at least it was before she started)
this is a big part of why i can’t wait to have kids – my dad is so good with them
jenna, maddie and jeffy found the bubbles
AND jenna got nana to get some exercise in… playing volleyball with a beach ball
i love my nana, and when she’s happy it makes my heart beat faster :)
are we doing the right thing? i kind of feel like i’m corrupting youth :) but J’s totally ready. totally. kind of. sugar helps. what are we doing? totally ready.
the shop’s actually pretty busy tonight. i was going to get my lion worked on, but it looks like there won’t be time…
j’s ready for action though
look at that skinny little cupcake! totally ready. honest. checking out the placement of the impending ink
she did really well… there was a little crying and a SHIT TON OF PROFANITY. the mouth on this little sister can turn your hair white, but it was highly entertaining. HIGHLY. i’ve never heard such things about Mother Teresa.
she stuck out the whole thing though, she handled it and went nice and zen. we took turns telling her distracting stories, supplying sugar, and holding her hands
verdict: it was totally worth the pain :) i kept reminding her – you’ll forget how much it hurt… but you’ll always love the tat…
ROOMIE’S UP NEXT!
checking out the placement
we had some concerns about the placement of the birdie… so she modeled standing up as well
halfway done. when asked about the pain, she said what i’d said, basically that it’s bearable… but not something i’d look forward to. it gets intense after a while but not too much to handle.
on a magical day up in kenosha, there are beautiful places where people have weddings. it’s just that simple. you turn a corner, park your car on a nondescript street, and there it is.
the day was overcast but beautiful, the light was perfect
my parents and i arrived with about three minutes to spare. we found our seats, clutched our kleenex and settled in for something beautiful.
we got a sneak peak as the bridal party lined up
mike’s niece holly is possibly the most perfect little ten year old ever
abby was stunning
and the ceremony was very heartfelt… mike’s sister kim read from corinthians and only had to stop once – but even as she stopped to cry she laughed
mike’s mom kathy – who i have described many times on this blog and in life as my spiritual mom – officiated. i have no idea how she kept it together :) but she did and she has called dibbs on my wedding…
i am so happy i caught that perfect moment
such a gorgeous couple
this photo was later on, outside the reception, but it was taken on the sly and i feel like they look like total badasses
especially when you consider the bridal party converse.
god i love this kid.
the reception was in this gorgeous banquet hall that used to be a girls school… it had that old-world charm with dark wood and murals along the walls.
abby did all the centerpieces herself!
and it was so cool to catch up with old friends. i saw a bunch of old neighbors who knew me when i was a baby, met some of mike’s current posse who i don’t know now but they are some cool kids; and my favorite part of the night was just seeing everyone love each other. that’s always my favorite thing about weddings – as hokey as they can seem sometimes, and that’s something i feel about most traditions, not just weddings – it’s still one of those times where everything insignificant falls away and we can just bask in the goodness and promise of a new life. we are called to love each other. it’s that simple, and its events like these, celebrations of life and love, that help keep us on track.
@hewhohaseyes mohammed said: don't dig many wells, dig one and dig it deep. 17 is about having purpose, 13-14 are about work for work's sake 2 months ago
